Hello Again.

Hey there, It has been a while since I have posted anything, and while moving and going through some stuff in my room I found my login information and remembered how much I loved blogging and how it made me feel, even if no one was reading it. I know that it has been a long time, and I can't even begin to describe what has happened in the last year, 2 relationships, countless friends, dance team, concerts, meeting my idols. It all sounds good but in the end I still feel alone, my relationships ended, I can count on one hand my seemingy "countless friends' now, dance team has ended for the year, and at the end of the day concerts always end. You have the memories of all these events that you take with you, you have documentation pictures, videos, autographs, and maybe scars from what has happened. I have found in the past year that people are selfish and greedy, and hardly anyone is sincere in their actions. And I look back at all my memories and the things that happened and I feel used, and hurt. Looking back now, my memories haunt me, I relive the good times over and over in my mind with my exes, including the 2 boyfriends and countless friends. I relive the laughter, the happiness. And for a moment it stops the loneliness I feel now. I look around at the people around me and i see their happiness and I want that for me. With out all the hurt that may come afterwards, but I know it isn't reality or possible. Because even though people may love you doesn't mean that they are flawless, it doesn't mean they won't make mistakes, or in certain instances use you to better themselves. At the end of the day we are only human right, and we have these expectations for greatness and perfection for the people we bring into our lives, and ourselves. It is as if we put them on a pedestal and expect them not to make mistakes or hurt us. But they do and I am not saying it happens 10 times out of 10, but through the years you find out who is worth forgiveness and who is going to try their damnedest not to hurt you, and to at the end of the day make you happy. And right now, I can think of 3 people who have actually deserved my forgiveness and happiness, and I look around at others and they have 80 "Best friends", and maybe at the end of the day i am lucky for my one best friend 2 close friends, and countless friends. Because at the end of the day those people with 80 friends can't truly know that these friends are out talking shit, and spreading peoples deepest, darkest secrets. I look around my school, and feel lonely, but at the end of the day it is just a feeling and I know I have people who care and want me to be happy. Maybe I am the lucky one, but if I am how come it doesn't feel this way. i can't help being afraid of what feeling lonely means. I don't want my depression to come back, but I can't help feeling that it is. And that is one scary ass thought. Until next time. <3