Thursday, April 28, 2011

I was asked...

Me and my mother were driving in the car and she looked at my arms and asked: How are you going to explain that to your children, your husband, his family, why would you do that and not think about the troubles you would have later in life?
My response was " I hope that i find a husband who is loving and accepting of not only who I am at that time but, who I was in my past. And the best I can do with my children is explain what happened, and hope they wont make the same mistakes as me, and if they ever do feel that way they feel comfortable telling someone"  I also said "And when you are in that state of mind wishing it was all over, you dont really think, or wish for a future. You are thinking of right now, right then."
I guess what I am trying to say is this: When it comes time to tell people about my problems and my past, I hope that they can accept me as a person. And that If you ever feel alone, or like you just want to quite try to imagine a better time in your life. If you want to get better you have to think in a better positive way. I just wish someone would have been around to tell me what I know now.
Kyra :)

Relapse

I dont quite know how to discribe a relapse. The first thing you feel is relief, then relaxation, then happiness. I could only compare it to an addict testing his limits. But see with cutting its different one bad day, one wrong thought, one thing that is all it takes. I have missed this the rush if blood streaming down my arm, the rush of the blade piercing my skin. The rush is enough alone to send you over the edge. But then the pain settles in, and that is the best part. Thats what i look forward to, The Pain. You see the pain on my arms takes away the pain on my heart,.the pain from living in a world where you feel unwelcome, unwanted, useless, not perfect enough. The pain and rush make everything else a blur, nothing else matters before or after the rush.
At last i feel happy... something the medication doesnt help with. the pain and rush make everything better, the block out everything in their way, memories, thoughts, fears. The rush is a world in itself, it could be compared to heaven, even cloud 9... maybe even better. It works better than medication... it works.
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I wrote this three weeks ago when i relapsed. I cut my self to the point of no return, I no longer felt safe in may body, and it looked like I was giving up. But then I read a note I wrote to my self saying how I was worth something the world back when I was better. It didnt work at first then my mom found out, I didnt think I could trust her. I was scared and hurt, depressed. I wanted it to be over. So I asked for help as I encourage everyone to do. I started seeing a therapist, and soon will be put back on medication. Soon i will be better. Someday Somehow, I will survive, and I will be one of the lucky ones. I will have survived the worst war possible, an inner battle, a want a need for hurt and death, for something better.
Kyra