Hello Again.

Hey there, It has been a while since I have posted anything, and while moving and going through some stuff in my room I found my login information and remembered how much I loved blogging and how it made me feel, even if no one was reading it. I know that it has been a long time, and I can't even begin to describe what has happened in the last year, 2 relationships, countless friends, dance team, concerts, meeting my idols. It all sounds good but in the end I still feel alone, my relationships ended, I can count on one hand my seemingy "countless friends' now, dance team has ended for the year, and at the end of the day concerts always end. You have the memories of all these events that you take with you, you have documentation pictures, videos, autographs, and maybe scars from what has happened. I have found in the past year that people are selfish and greedy, and hardly anyone is sincere in their actions. And I look back at all my memories and the things that happened and I feel used, and hurt. Looking back now, my memories haunt me, I relive the good times over and over in my mind with my exes, including the 2 boyfriends and countless friends. I relive the laughter, the happiness. And for a moment it stops the loneliness I feel now. I look around at the people around me and i see their happiness and I want that for me. With out all the hurt that may come afterwards, but I know it isn't reality or possible. Because even though people may love you doesn't mean that they are flawless, it doesn't mean they won't make mistakes, or in certain instances use you to better themselves. At the end of the day we are only human right, and we have these expectations for greatness and perfection for the people we bring into our lives, and ourselves. It is as if we put them on a pedestal and expect them not to make mistakes or hurt us. But they do and I am not saying it happens 10 times out of 10, but through the years you find out who is worth forgiveness and who is going to try their damnedest not to hurt you, and to at the end of the day make you happy. And right now, I can think of 3 people who have actually deserved my forgiveness and happiness, and I look around at others and they have 80 "Best friends", and maybe at the end of the day i am lucky for my one best friend 2 close friends, and countless friends. Because at the end of the day those people with 80 friends can't truly know that these friends are out talking shit, and spreading peoples deepest, darkest secrets. I look around my school, and feel lonely, but at the end of the day it is just a feeling and I know I have people who care and want me to be happy. Maybe I am the lucky one, but if I am how come it doesn't feel this way. i can't help being afraid of what feeling lonely means. I don't want my depression to come back, but I can't help feeling that it is. And that is one scary ass thought. Until next time. <3  

Look at Me.

Look into my face, can you see it? The hurt the pain. Look in to my eyes can you feel the cold wind blowing in? Can you see what the world has done to a beautiful girl? Worn her down, crushed her once hopeful spirits, Do you see it?
The answer no. No one does, everyone can see the bad days, but no one sees the everyday torment, the everyday hurt, you can't see the things I face every time I wake up. You don't feel the pain I feel every time I breathe.
Or do you? Can you see it? Do you feel it? Are you too scared to help and beaten, worn girl? Why can't you see that I hate it here, I hate the way they look and talk to me. I hate that everything good is followed by things that are 10 times worse. I hate how the glass is half empty, the sun refuses to shine some days, I hate how the clouds roll in and all I can think of is you and that summer. I hate how every one I love moves away. Because every one leaves, and it sucks. Everything comes to an end. And after it all ends, after everyone leaves. I am still standing alone, cold and wet by the clouds that rolled in and damaged everything. I winds and storm never end, they are just paused long enough for you to think, that the sun will shine, and then more clouds roll in and the sun just disappears. Leaving me even more alone and disappointed.
Kyra!

Relapse.

I relapsed and that scares me. Not only do I have to worrie about the world and how I will survive day by day,  I have to worry about how I am going to better myself. I have no idea what is next for me, but for now I guess thats okay. For once I can acctually say I want my depression and my self harm behind me. I want so bad for me to just say presto change oh, and just instantly be better. I wish that I had all the answers for me and my future. So I could prevent any hurt, any damage, any sorrow, any and every thing. But then I guess what would be the point of living if you can't look forward to each day that you are given. Because even toug the live we are given isn't always perfect, isn't always happy, somehow if you believe, if I believe it will get better. It has to.
Kyra

I was asked...

Me and my mother were driving in the car and she looked at my arms and asked: How are you going to explain that to your children, your husband, his family, why would you do that and not think about the troubles you would have later in life?
My response was " I hope that i find a husband who is loving and accepting of not only who I am at that time but, who I was in my past. And the best I can do with my children is explain what happened, and hope they wont make the same mistakes as me, and if they ever do feel that way they feel comfortable telling someone"  I also said "And when you are in that state of mind wishing it was all over, you dont really think, or wish for a future. You are thinking of right now, right then."
I guess what I am trying to say is this: When it comes time to tell people about my problems and my past, I hope that they can accept me as a person. And that If you ever feel alone, or like you just want to quite try to imagine a better time in your life. If you want to get better you have to think in a better positive way. I just wish someone would have been around to tell me what I know now.
Kyra :)

Relapse

I dont quite know how to discribe a relapse. The first thing you feel is relief, then relaxation, then happiness. I could only compare it to an addict testing his limits. But see with cutting its different one bad day, one wrong thought, one thing that is all it takes. I have missed this the rush if blood streaming down my arm, the rush of the blade piercing my skin. The rush is enough alone to send you over the edge. But then the pain settles in, and that is the best part. Thats what i look forward to, The Pain. You see the pain on my arms takes away the pain on my heart,.the pain from living in a world where you feel unwelcome, unwanted, useless, not perfect enough. The pain and rush make everything else a blur, nothing else matters before or after the rush.
At last i feel happy... something the medication doesnt help with. the pain and rush make everything better, the block out everything in their way, memories, thoughts, fears. The rush is a world in itself, it could be compared to heaven, even cloud 9... maybe even better. It works better than medication... it works.
______________________________________
I wrote this three weeks ago when i relapsed. I cut my self to the point of no return, I no longer felt safe in may body, and it looked like I was giving up. But then I read a note I wrote to my self saying how I was worth something the world back when I was better. It didnt work at first then my mom found out, I didnt think I could trust her. I was scared and hurt, depressed. I wanted it to be over. So I asked for help as I encourage everyone to do. I started seeing a therapist, and soon will be put back on medication. Soon i will be better. Someday Somehow, I will survive, and I will be one of the lucky ones. I will have survived the worst war possible, an inner battle, a want a need for hurt and death, for something better.
Kyra

Memories

I remember the first time I cut. I would cut the tips of my fingers until they bled, one by one. Slice by slice. It felt good. It felt right. Then when my fingers stopped helping me through my pain. I moved to my legs i cut those until almost nothing was left but scars and cuts. When that no longer worked i moved to my arms no longer hidden, except for under my thin hoodie. That felt goo felt right the rush never went away not after the first time, not after the 10th time, the 20th time. It never got old. I remember the day the darkness grabbed me and pulled me into its sweet grasp. Nothing can touch you when your there, nothing but you. Only you can save you and only you can hurt you. everything else is a blur. You stop talking, you stop everything, because you finally feel safe, and that nothing can hurt you. The darkness comes and goes, but it is never truly gone. It stays behind waiting for when you need its grasp. Waiting, lurking for the best time to swoop in and take you under its wing. And when it finally does you are flying on the rush. The rush of the blade on your skin, the rush of sadness in your soul. But honestly the rush of the blade may be there, but real darkness is cold and scary. It is lonely, consuming, tiring, it steals your soul. The darkness eats you alive, until you are nothing but alone, and sad, I enjoyed the rush, the first times around, I enjoyed the darkness, the cold, the death of the real me. Now Im just tired of this on going battle. When will it end, Why wont it end. The rush of the razor calls to me. I am tempted, interested. I feel like a miss it. At the end of the day I wonder when will the darkness strike again? I know that it is coming, and I know it will be here soon. Or maybe it already is and I am over the rush.
Kyra

`Candles

The power lines went out, and I am all alone. But I don't really care at all not answering my phone. All the games you played, the  promises you made.Couldn't finish what you started. Only darkness still remains. Lost in sight couldn't see when it was you and me.
I seriously have no idea how to handle her anymore. I try to tell her how I feel but she goes back to her old ways. She says she is over him and that she doesn't care but every time he wants something she goes running back. We barely talk because when we do it turns into a huge fight, mean words and fists thrown. I wish she would take her own advice and GROW UP! I am supposed to be the one at parties and enjoying MY high school years, but no she goes out. She comes home drunk, and expects me to take care of her. I swear she is the child and I am the adult. I shouldn't have to deal with her. I want to be the irresponsible one but no. I am the one waiting up waiting for her to come home. And the one time I ask her to do something i really want she ignores me and leaves to hang out with her Butt-Buddies. And what really drives me crazy is she paints this fake person infront of my friends and then when they catch her doing what she really does, she pins me as the bad guy.
I hate to say it but she is part of the reason I am depressed and fighting the urge to cut again. I hate this feeling but when someone pushes you to the edge, for me someone in recovery it is a dangerous move. I don't want to live this way anymore. I hate this, I hate my life. I wish it was over.
Candles- Hey Monday!
Kyra