tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77158963116979616042024-02-08T10:16:06.164-08:00One Step At A Time!This Blog is my way of getting the word out there on depression. With my own story, it wont always be about my story sometimes it will be about how my life is going, but i hope if i cannot inspire one person I can inspire myself to finally heal. Or maybe while I write I expose the true monster in me!Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-81155863436991600772013-03-14T08:10:00.001-07:002013-03-14T08:10:01.738-07:00Hello Again. Hey there, It has been a while since I have posted anything, and while moving and going through some stuff in my room I found my login information and remembered how much I loved blogging and how it made me feel, even if no one was reading it. I know that it has been a long time, and I can't even begin to describe what has happened in the last year, 2 relationships, countless friends, dance team, concerts, meeting my idols. It all sounds good but in the end I still feel alone, my relationships ended, I can count on one hand my seemingy "countless friends' now, dance team has ended for the year, and at the end of the day concerts always end. You have the memories of all these events that you take with you, you have documentation pictures, videos, autographs, and maybe scars from what has happened. I have found in the past year that people are selfish and greedy, and hardly anyone is sincere in their actions. And I look back at all my memories and the things that happened and I feel used, and hurt. Looking back now, my memories haunt me, I relive the good times over and over in my mind with my exes, including the 2 boyfriends and countless friends. I relive the laughter, the happiness. And for a moment it stops the loneliness I feel now. I look around at the people around me and i see their happiness and I want that for me. With out all the hurt that may come afterwards, but I know it isn't reality or possible. Because even though people may love you doesn't mean that they are flawless, it doesn't mean they won't make mistakes, or in certain instances use you to better themselves. At the end of the day we are only human right, and we have these expectations for greatness and perfection for the people we bring into our lives, and ourselves. It is as if we put them on a pedestal and expect them not to make mistakes or hurt us. But they do and I am not saying it happens 10 times out of 10, but through the years you find out who is worth forgiveness and who is going to try their damnedest not to hurt you, and to at the end of the day make you happy. And right now, I can think of 3 people who have actually deserved my forgiveness and happiness, and I look around at others and they have 80 "Best friends", and maybe at the end of the day i am lucky for my one best friend 2 close friends, and countless friends. Because at the end of the day those people with 80 friends can't truly know that these friends are out talking shit, and spreading peoples deepest, darkest secrets. I look around my school, and feel lonely, but at the end of the day it is just a feeling and I know I have people who care and want me to be happy. Maybe I am the lucky one, but if I am how come it doesn't feel this way. i can't help being afraid of what feeling lonely means. I don't want my depression to come back, but I can't help feeling that it is. And that is one scary ass thought. Until next time. <3 Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-33691713630740569452011-05-27T10:17:00.000-07:002011-05-27T10:17:36.424-07:00Look at Me.Look into my face, can you see it? The hurt the pain. Look in to my eyes can you feel the cold wind blowing in? Can you see what the world has done to a beautiful girl? Worn her down, crushed her once hopeful spirits, Do you see it?<br />
The answer no. No one does, everyone can see the bad days, but no one sees the everyday torment, the everyday hurt, you can't see the things I face every time I wake up. You don't feel the pain I feel every time I breathe.<br />
Or do you? Can you see it? Do you feel it? Are you too scared to help and beaten, worn girl? Why can't you see that I hate it here, I hate the way they look and talk to me. I hate that everything good is followed by things that are 10 times worse. I hate how the glass is half empty, the sun refuses to shine some days, I hate how the clouds roll in and all I can think of is you and that summer. I hate how every one I love moves away. Because every one leaves, and it sucks. Everything comes to an end. And after it all ends, after everyone leaves. I am still standing alone, cold and wet by the clouds that rolled in and damaged everything. I winds and storm never end, they are just paused long enough for you to think, that the sun will shine, and then more clouds roll in and the sun just disappears. Leaving me even more alone and disappointed.<br />
Kyra!Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-50348807186726394502011-05-20T00:27:00.000-07:002011-05-20T00:27:43.334-07:00Relapse.I relapsed and that scares me. Not only do I have to worrie about the world and how I will survive day by day, I have to worry about how I am going to better myself. I have no idea what is next for me, but for now I guess thats okay. For once I can acctually say I want my depression and my self harm behind me. I want so bad for me to just say presto change oh, and just instantly be better. I wish that I had all the answers for me and my future. So I could prevent any hurt, any damage, any sorrow, any and every thing. But then I guess what would be the point of living if you can't look forward to each day that you are given. Because even toug the live we are given isn't always perfect, isn't always happy, somehow if you believe, if I believe it will get better. It has to.<br />
KyraKyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-41832878434559038612011-04-28T22:41:00.000-07:002011-04-28T22:41:35.952-07:00I was asked...Me and my mother were driving in the car and she looked at my arms and asked: How are you going to explain that to your children, your husband, his family, why would you do that and not think about the troubles you would have later in life?<br />
My response was " I hope that i find a husband who is loving and accepting of not only who I am at that time but, who I was in my past. And the best I can do with my children is explain what happened, and hope they wont make the same mistakes as me, and if they ever do feel that way they feel comfortable telling someone" I also said "And when you are in that state of mind wishing it was all over, you dont really think, or wish for a future. You are thinking of right now, right then." <br />
I guess what I am trying to say is this: When it comes time to tell people about my problems and my past, I hope that they can accept me as a person. And that If you ever feel alone, or like you just want to quite try to imagine a better time in your life. If you want to get better you have to think in a better positive way. I just wish someone would have been around to tell me what I know now.<br />
Kyra :)Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-49500607339388754112011-04-28T22:24:00.000-07:002011-04-28T22:24:21.763-07:00RelapseI dont quite know how to discribe a relapse. The first thing you feel is relief, then relaxation, then happiness. I could only compare it to an addict testing his limits. But see with cutting its different one bad day, one wrong thought, one thing that is all it takes. I have missed this the rush if blood streaming down my arm, the rush of the blade piercing my skin. The rush is enough alone to send you over the edge. But then the pain settles in, and that is the best part. Thats what i look forward to, The Pain. You see the pain on my arms takes away the pain on my heart,.the pain from living in a world where you feel unwelcome, unwanted, useless, not perfect enough. The pain and rush make everything else a blur, nothing else matters before or after the rush.<br />
At last i feel happy... something the medication doesnt help with. the pain and rush make everything better, the block out everything in their way, memories, thoughts, fears. The rush is a world in itself, it could be compared to heaven, even cloud 9... maybe even better. It works better than medication... it works.<br />
______________________________________<br />
I wrote this three weeks ago when i relapsed. I cut my self to the point of no return, I no longer felt safe in may body, and it looked like I was giving up. But then I read a note I wrote to my self saying how I was worth something the world back when I was better. It didnt work at first then my mom found out, I didnt think I could trust her. I was scared and hurt, depressed. I wanted it to be over. So I asked for help as I encourage everyone to do. I started seeing a therapist, and soon will be put back on medication. Soon i will be better. Someday Somehow, I will survive, and I will be one of the lucky ones. I will have survived the worst war possible, an inner battle, a want a need for hurt and death, for something better.<br />
KyraKyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-47763037918082023142011-03-24T20:35:00.000-07:002011-03-24T20:35:18.773-07:00MemoriesI remember the first time I cut. I would cut the tips of my fingers until they bled, one by one. Slice by slice. It felt good. It felt right. Then when my fingers stopped helping me through my pain. I moved to my legs i cut those until almost nothing was left but scars and cuts. When that no longer worked i moved to my arms no longer hidden, except for under my thin hoodie. That felt goo felt right the rush never went away not after the first time, not after the 10th time, the 20th time. It never got old. I remember the day the darkness grabbed me and pulled me into its sweet grasp. Nothing can touch you when your there, nothing but you. Only you can save you and only you can hurt you. everything else is a blur. You stop talking, you stop everything, because you finally feel safe, and that nothing can hurt you. The darkness comes and goes, but it is never truly gone. It stays behind waiting for when you need its grasp. Waiting, lurking for the best time to swoop in and take you under its wing. And when it finally does you are flying on the rush. The rush of the blade on your skin, the rush of sadness in your soul. But honestly the rush of the blade may be there, but real darkness is cold and scary. It is lonely, consuming, tiring, it steals your soul. The darkness eats you alive, until you are nothing but alone, and sad, I enjoyed the rush, the first times around, I enjoyed the darkness, the cold, the death of the real me. Now Im just tired of this on going battle. When will it end, Why wont it end. The rush of the razor calls to me. I am tempted, interested. I feel like a miss it. At the end of the day I wonder when will the darkness strike again? I know that it is coming, and I know it will be here soon. Or maybe it already is and I am over the rush.<br />
KyraKyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-32076413582586380462011-02-06T17:27:00.000-08:002011-02-06T17:27:09.315-08:00`CandlesThe power lines went out, and I am all alone. But I don't really care at all not answering my phone. All the games you played, the promises you made.Couldn't finish what you started. Only darkness still remains. Lost in sight couldn't see when it was you and me.<br />
I seriously have no idea how to handle her anymore. I try to tell her how I feel but she goes back to her old ways. She says she is over him and that she doesn't care but every time he wants something she goes running back. We barely talk because when we do it turns into a huge fight, mean words and fists thrown. I wish she would take her own advice and GROW UP! I am supposed to be the one at parties and enjoying MY high school years, but no she goes out. She comes home drunk, and expects me to take care of her. I swear she is the child and I am the adult. I shouldn't have to deal with her. I want to be the irresponsible one but no. I am the one waiting up waiting for her to come home. And the one time I ask her to do something i really want she ignores me and leaves to hang out with her Butt-Buddies. And what really drives me crazy is she paints this fake person infront of my friends and then when they catch her doing what she really does, she pins me as the bad guy.<br />
I hate to say it but she is part of the reason I am depressed and fighting the urge to cut again. I hate this feeling but when someone pushes you to the edge, for me someone in recovery it is a dangerous move. I don't want to live this way anymore. I hate this, I hate my life. I wish it was over.<br />
Candles- Hey Monday!<br />
KyraKyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-24615877908265281002011-01-27T11:46:00.000-08:002011-01-27T11:46:09.902-08:00Hmmm...Some think they deserve more, Give a little like its become a chore. Dont demand things and walk yourself out the door. I fell flat on my face too many times, left with nothing but some cheep perfume. Now you cry, Now you need need me , Now that perfums not cheep. But I told you... If you wanted to be my only one. If you wanted to see this happen. Maybe you should have tried harder. If you thought I would leap into your arms, every time is see your face, Then maybe you should have tried harder....<br />
He does not seem to get the fact, that my sister is part of my life too and that. If he doesnt want me to see her , her mom wont let that happen. He is like a light switch, when he wants to be my father and a good on he is on , but when he is off he is this ass that thinks I dont need him. Well if thats what he wants fine.... but I will not have my sister think I abandoned her because of him . Because I will not be like him.<br />
I wrote this May 9th. I was angry, hurt. I still am. But I am part of my sisters life. When I went to her birthday party me and my father did not speak.I am hoping he is man enough now to take care of a child. Because my father left when I was 4. So I pray this wont happen to her. She is such a beautiful baby, and dad treats her like any father would. I guess people would wonder how I felt about that? I think it is wonderful that he is a good father to her, I guess you could say that there are some hurt feelings. But I dont resent her. I have a pretty awesome life, 50% of the time. Im just happy that he plans on being a good father. Because it is hard not having a dad around, to be fully honest IT SUCKS MORE THAN GRAVITY!!! But when it happens you have no control over it , so you learn to deal with the hurt, and it is not easy....<br />
Song: Should Have Tried Harder: Hey Monday<br />
Love KyraKyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-24332403442533007232011-01-27T11:29:00.000-08:002011-01-27T11:29:02.560-08:00Been Awhile..Hey sorry for the delay of posts. I have been writting a lot for a school contest, doing photo shoots, teaching kids to dance, fighting with people, laughing and falling in love, and not to mention injuring myself. Not like that but i have thought about it, and it was hard to fight off the feeling, but i slipped, i did it again, and i regret that more than anything.<br />
Welp anyways, other than the mentions up there nothing exciting happend in the past weeks.... I m sorry I will post my story so yall can read it. <br />
Love, Kyra!Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-41685612837593920952011-01-13T19:32:00.000-08:002011-01-13T19:32:52.093-08:00The TruthI have never really, truly seen the fear and hurt in a cutters eyes. The stories their eyes and wrists tell. It makes me wonder if anyone saw the pain, the hurt in my eyes.I wonder if anyone saw the hopelessness. I wonder if anyone thought to ask if I was alright. I wonder if anyone thought to pull me aside and try to help, or if they tried to see behind the mask, to the girl I really am: Or rather the girl I was! <br />
I wish they would have taken my hand and told me everything would be okay in the end. Or maybe I was or still am completely invisible. Maybe they could have saved me from myself. Maybe they would have walked away leaving me to cut deeper, die a little more inside. I guess you can't really imagine the pain when everyday lasts a life time. every individual scar tells a story to be forever kept on the skin of the writer. A memory never to be forgotten. But then there are the people who save you from the darkness!<br />
I guess you can say the few minimal good friends I had saved me. If you take into the consideration it took them to forgive. There is my best guy friend, he has amazing taste in music. this guy reminds me everyday to be strong and that my story is worth telling i guess you can say he is my inspiration. I also happen to be hopelessly in love with him! Then there is my bestest friend in the whole wide world I can tell her anything. SHe may not be happy about it at first but she is always there when i need her to be. This girl is the one person who would never judge, who no matter what would always be there. She happens to be my inspiration too. Then there seems to be the girl I mentioned who I have tried to save over and over again. The girl I love to death but I am afraid she is bringing me down. She just doesn't care anymore. I just don't know how to help her anymore!<br />
So....<br />
Love,<br />
KyraKyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-23973855307222774642011-01-11T19:52:00.000-08:002011-01-11T19:52:33.045-08:00PerfectDear Wicked Me,<br />
Hey dad look at me. Think back and talk to me. Did i grow up according to plan? And do you think I am wasting my time doing things I wanna do? But it hurts when you disapproved all along. And now I try hard to make it, I just wanna make you proud. I'm never gonna be good enough for you. I can't pretend that I'm alright. And you can't change me. Cause we lost it all nothing lasts for ever. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now its just too late and we can't go back. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I try not to think about the pain I feel inside.<br />
Well I was supposed to see my dad and his side of the family today but he thought it would be weird with my mom there. Like it wouldn't be weird just me and you; you abandoning piece of crap. Quit making excuses and just admit you god damn insecurities and get over them. You think it wouldn't be weird just us. Because that would be stupid and navie! If you think you will see me without my mom, You are crazy. She is the only stable thing in my life. So grow a set....<br />
So It has been awhile since I have spoken to him. I really don't know how to feel about him any more. He calls me worthless and I am not. I think that he should stop toying with my emotion and learn to be a father to all of his kids and not play favorites. I just wish sometimes that I was born into a family with a loving father and mother... but all our wishes can't come true.<br />
But I know that my mother has enough love in her heart for both parents even if most of the time we are in different rooms, in an argument, or she is with her sex buddies.<br />
But No I can't complain, cause my life is perfect... So perfect in fact every time I picked up the blade I could picture another person I could blame.<br />
Oh..... I'm back to this. Back to my old ways. <br />
I think I will sign off now..<br />
New posts tomorrrow,<br />
Love,<br />
Kyra!Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-83185892906158040652011-01-10T13:50:00.000-08:002011-01-10T13:50:22.977-08:00ScarsDear Wicked Me,<br />
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care to much. And our scars remind us that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel.<br />
I see my scars every day. I t kills me knowing I did that to myself, and it didn't even help.I see them and I know that what i did was real and not only did I hurt my self but others around me. I disappointed people who truly care about me. I thought this would help, thought it would be some sort of relief. But the truth is cutting did help me, it helped me tear through the film and pull me back into my life. Then it hurt, it hurt like hell. Then I felt worse ashamed. All I know now is if I can stop one person from making the dangerous choice that I made maybe it would help me heal. But I have tried this before. Helping this person just turned and back fired. I tried to get this girl help, tried to be her friend and her shoulder to cry on. But I guess you can only help the people who want to be saved.And I guess this girl did not want to be saved or helped. She went back to her old ways after about a month of being safe. Then her habits started coming back. Skipping class, having sex, drugs, alcohol, cutting. And I knew that i should help her again, but she was pulling away and not speaking... and this might make me a bad person but I gave up on her, when she gave up on herself.<br />
So here is my final message for this blog: No one should resort to cutting. It is a waste of time and later in life or shortly after the fog lifts it will be the greatest regret of all. You should also know that it can kill you. I would know because when i seeked help, they told me I had a blood Infection from my cuts and that the blood infection if not caught in time could kill me. Luckly I seeked help at the right time, cause I would have never forgave my self if I took my own life because reality was such a bummer! So just take the time to analyze, to talk to someone, to realize the wonderful person in the fog. because I can promise you IT DOES GET BETTER, with a change in heart it will get better!<br />
Love,<br />
Kyra<br />
Ps. Maybe I will help that girl again, maybe she just needs someone to be there when she cries!Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-50088418085845078902011-01-10T03:33:00.000-08:002011-01-10T03:33:30.345-08:00UntitledDear Wicked Me,<br />
I open my eyes i try to see but I'm blinded by the white light. I can't remember how, I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight. But I can't stand the pain. And I can't make it go away, No i can't stand the pain. How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. I got nowhere to run. the night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life i just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?<br />
I don't remember when i got so depressed, I honestly don't know how I got this way, how I got depressed. Maybe it was when he left, not like I wasn't use to it. Or maybe when she started to work so much, I never saw her. Or was it all just my fault? I wonder where I am in my recovery, if i can even call this a recovery. I don't know who's fault it is, if it is any one persons fault. And I do know one thing... I have no idea how I am going to get better.But for now all i can hope is that I never plant that stupid fake ass, oh I am okay smile on my face again. I can only hope to express myself and show my true colors. Also on my journey I hope I can learn to trust people again, and let go of the disappointment i have against others. But my biggest hope the one I want to come true the most I wish for a better tomorrow, and if to I am going to live like it is my last day on this earth. I will dance as if no one is watching, and cherish each moment because each day I am given, should be treasured. This is what I will look forward to until I can finally say... I am Free, I am Healed, and I am Finally Okay!! and i know that each and everyday will be a challenge and I hope I have the courage to take on these challenges each and everyday until my wish comes true! <br />
Love,<br />
Kyra WingstadKyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7715896311697961604.post-91632637395293141132011-01-10T02:29:00.000-08:002011-01-10T02:29:51.994-08:00Starting PointThis is my very first blog! I dont know if anyone will ever see this, and i dont really care if anyone does! My name is Kyra Wingstad. I was born on the wonderful day of October 28. I live with my mother, my father was never really around but you will see that in my blog. I talk about him alot, and my baby sister, is kid not my mothers! I have always been an only child well until now. I am a dancer and a writer. Someday i hope to save someone like myself, someone who needs someone there just to say its okay to cry, but I mostly want any of my readers if i have readers is that, this was my journey to recovery. although I am still recovering this is my story, my life. If you relate great, but please dont judge. Dont say I did what i did for attention, or I am selfish... because I'm not. I just thought that this was my only way, I never wanted to hurt anyone...I still have problems with my scars and my fears. So please dont judge.<br />
So here is how this blog is going to go.... most of the time I will start my blog off with a song sometimes it will be short and sweet, then sometimes it will be about my day or my life. And on the occasions that i forget to post for a while I appologize. I am in High school sometimes it get crazy busy.<br />
But if i can say one last thing this is like my diary and it is personal. I am doing this to hopefully inspire someone, to give advice and to hopefully help myself get through this crazy thing called life!<br />
Love,<br />
Kyra!Kyra Elizabeth http://www.blogger.com/profile/10732604555754189161noreply@blogger.com0