Relapse

I dont quite know how to discribe a relapse. The first thing you feel is relief, then relaxation, then happiness. I could only compare it to an addict testing his limits. But see with cutting its different one bad day, one wrong thought, one thing that is all it takes. I have missed this the rush if blood streaming down my arm, the rush of the blade piercing my skin. The rush is enough alone to send you over the edge. But then the pain settles in, and that is the best part. Thats what i look forward to, The Pain. You see the pain on my arms takes away the pain on my heart,.the pain from living in a world where you feel unwelcome, unwanted, useless, not perfect enough. The pain and rush make everything else a blur, nothing else matters before or after the rush.
At last i feel happy... something the medication doesnt help with. the pain and rush make everything better, the block out everything in their way, memories, thoughts, fears. The rush is a world in itself, it could be compared to heaven, even cloud 9... maybe even better. It works better than medication... it works.
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I wrote this three weeks ago when i relapsed. I cut my self to the point of no return, I no longer felt safe in may body, and it looked like I was giving up. But then I read a note I wrote to my self saying how I was worth something the world back when I was better. It didnt work at first then my mom found out, I didnt think I could trust her. I was scared and hurt, depressed. I wanted it to be over. So I asked for help as I encourage everyone to do. I started seeing a therapist, and soon will be put back on medication. Soon i will be better. Someday Somehow, I will survive, and I will be one of the lucky ones. I will have survived the worst war possible, an inner battle, a want a need for hurt and death, for something better.
Kyra