Some think they deserve more, Give a little like its become a chore. Dont demand things and walk yourself out the door. I fell flat on my face too many times, left with nothing but some cheep perfume. Now you cry, Now you need need me , Now that perfums not cheep. But I told you... If you wanted to be my only one. If you wanted to see this happen. Maybe you should have tried harder. If you thought I would leap into your arms, every time is see your face, Then maybe you should have tried harder....
He does not seem to get the fact, that my sister is part of my life too and that. If he doesnt want me to see her , her mom wont let that happen. He is like a light switch, when he wants to be my father and a good on he is on , but when he is off he is this ass that thinks I dont need him. Well if thats what he wants fine.... but I will not have my sister think I abandoned her because of him . Because I will not be like him.
I wrote this May 9th. I was angry, hurt. I still am. But I am part of my sisters life. When I went to her birthday party me and my father did not speak.I am hoping he is man enough now to take care of a child. Because my father left when I was 4. So I pray this wont happen to her. She is such a beautiful baby, and dad treats her like any father would. I guess people would wonder how I felt about that? I think it is wonderful that he is a good father to her, I guess you could say that there are some hurt feelings. But I dont resent her. I have a pretty awesome life, 50% of the time. Im just happy that he plans on being a good father. Because it is hard not having a dad around, to be fully honest IT SUCKS MORE THAN GRAVITY!!! But when it happens you have no control over it , so you learn to deal with the hurt, and it is not easy....
Song: Should Have Tried Harder: Hey Monday
Love Kyra
This Blog is my way of getting the word out there on depression. With my own story, it wont always be about my story sometimes it will be about how my life is going, but i hope if i cannot inspire one person I can inspire myself to finally heal. Or maybe while I write I expose the true monster in me!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Been Awhile..
Hey sorry for the delay of posts. I have been writting a lot for a school contest, doing photo shoots, teaching kids to dance, fighting with people, laughing and falling in love, and not to mention injuring myself. Not like that but i have thought about it, and it was hard to fight off the feeling, but i slipped, i did it again, and i regret that more than anything.
Welp anyways, other than the mentions up there nothing exciting happend in the past weeks.... I m sorry I will post my story so yall can read it.
Love, Kyra!
Welp anyways, other than the mentions up there nothing exciting happend in the past weeks.... I m sorry I will post my story so yall can read it.
Love, Kyra!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Truth
I have never really, truly seen the fear and hurt in a cutters eyes. The stories their eyes and wrists tell. It makes me wonder if anyone saw the pain, the hurt in my eyes.I wonder if anyone saw the hopelessness. I wonder if anyone thought to ask if I was alright. I wonder if anyone thought to pull me aside and try to help, or if they tried to see behind the mask, to the girl I really am: Or rather the girl I was!
I wish they would have taken my hand and told me everything would be okay in the end. Or maybe I was or still am completely invisible. Maybe they could have saved me from myself. Maybe they would have walked away leaving me to cut deeper, die a little more inside. I guess you can't really imagine the pain when everyday lasts a life time. every individual scar tells a story to be forever kept on the skin of the writer. A memory never to be forgotten. But then there are the people who save you from the darkness!
I guess you can say the few minimal good friends I had saved me. If you take into the consideration it took them to forgive. There is my best guy friend, he has amazing taste in music. this guy reminds me everyday to be strong and that my story is worth telling i guess you can say he is my inspiration. I also happen to be hopelessly in love with him! Then there is my bestest friend in the whole wide world I can tell her anything. SHe may not be happy about it at first but she is always there when i need her to be. This girl is the one person who would never judge, who no matter what would always be there. She happens to be my inspiration too. Then there seems to be the girl I mentioned who I have tried to save over and over again. The girl I love to death but I am afraid she is bringing me down. She just doesn't care anymore. I just don't know how to help her anymore!
So....
Love,
Kyra
I wish they would have taken my hand and told me everything would be okay in the end. Or maybe I was or still am completely invisible. Maybe they could have saved me from myself. Maybe they would have walked away leaving me to cut deeper, die a little more inside. I guess you can't really imagine the pain when everyday lasts a life time. every individual scar tells a story to be forever kept on the skin of the writer. A memory never to be forgotten. But then there are the people who save you from the darkness!
I guess you can say the few minimal good friends I had saved me. If you take into the consideration it took them to forgive. There is my best guy friend, he has amazing taste in music. this guy reminds me everyday to be strong and that my story is worth telling i guess you can say he is my inspiration. I also happen to be hopelessly in love with him! Then there is my bestest friend in the whole wide world I can tell her anything. SHe may not be happy about it at first but she is always there when i need her to be. This girl is the one person who would never judge, who no matter what would always be there. She happens to be my inspiration too. Then there seems to be the girl I mentioned who I have tried to save over and over again. The girl I love to death but I am afraid she is bringing me down. She just doesn't care anymore. I just don't know how to help her anymore!
So....
Love,
Kyra
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Perfect
Dear Wicked Me,
Hey dad look at me. Think back and talk to me. Did i grow up according to plan? And do you think I am wasting my time doing things I wanna do? But it hurts when you disapproved all along. And now I try hard to make it, I just wanna make you proud. I'm never gonna be good enough for you. I can't pretend that I'm alright. And you can't change me. Cause we lost it all nothing lasts for ever. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now its just too late and we can't go back. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I try not to think about the pain I feel inside.
Well I was supposed to see my dad and his side of the family today but he thought it would be weird with my mom there. Like it wouldn't be weird just me and you; you abandoning piece of crap. Quit making excuses and just admit you god damn insecurities and get over them. You think it wouldn't be weird just us. Because that would be stupid and navie! If you think you will see me without my mom, You are crazy. She is the only stable thing in my life. So grow a set....
So It has been awhile since I have spoken to him. I really don't know how to feel about him any more. He calls me worthless and I am not. I think that he should stop toying with my emotion and learn to be a father to all of his kids and not play favorites. I just wish sometimes that I was born into a family with a loving father and mother... but all our wishes can't come true.
But I know that my mother has enough love in her heart for both parents even if most of the time we are in different rooms, in an argument, or she is with her sex buddies.
But No I can't complain, cause my life is perfect... So perfect in fact every time I picked up the blade I could picture another person I could blame.
Oh..... I'm back to this. Back to my old ways.
I think I will sign off now..
New posts tomorrrow,
Love,
Kyra!
Hey dad look at me. Think back and talk to me. Did i grow up according to plan? And do you think I am wasting my time doing things I wanna do? But it hurts when you disapproved all along. And now I try hard to make it, I just wanna make you proud. I'm never gonna be good enough for you. I can't pretend that I'm alright. And you can't change me. Cause we lost it all nothing lasts for ever. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. Now its just too late and we can't go back. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I try not to think about the pain I feel inside.
Well I was supposed to see my dad and his side of the family today but he thought it would be weird with my mom there. Like it wouldn't be weird just me and you; you abandoning piece of crap. Quit making excuses and just admit you god damn insecurities and get over them. You think it wouldn't be weird just us. Because that would be stupid and navie! If you think you will see me without my mom, You are crazy. She is the only stable thing in my life. So grow a set....
So It has been awhile since I have spoken to him. I really don't know how to feel about him any more. He calls me worthless and I am not. I think that he should stop toying with my emotion and learn to be a father to all of his kids and not play favorites. I just wish sometimes that I was born into a family with a loving father and mother... but all our wishes can't come true.
But I know that my mother has enough love in her heart for both parents even if most of the time we are in different rooms, in an argument, or she is with her sex buddies.
But No I can't complain, cause my life is perfect... So perfect in fact every time I picked up the blade I could picture another person I could blame.
Oh..... I'm back to this. Back to my old ways.
I think I will sign off now..
New posts tomorrrow,
Love,
Kyra!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Scars
Dear Wicked Me,
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care to much. And our scars remind us that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel.
I see my scars every day. I t kills me knowing I did that to myself, and it didn't even help.I see them and I know that what i did was real and not only did I hurt my self but others around me. I disappointed people who truly care about me. I thought this would help, thought it would be some sort of relief. But the truth is cutting did help me, it helped me tear through the film and pull me back into my life. Then it hurt, it hurt like hell. Then I felt worse ashamed. All I know now is if I can stop one person from making the dangerous choice that I made maybe it would help me heal. But I have tried this before. Helping this person just turned and back fired. I tried to get this girl help, tried to be her friend and her shoulder to cry on. But I guess you can only help the people who want to be saved.And I guess this girl did not want to be saved or helped. She went back to her old ways after about a month of being safe. Then her habits started coming back. Skipping class, having sex, drugs, alcohol, cutting. And I knew that i should help her again, but she was pulling away and not speaking... and this might make me a bad person but I gave up on her, when she gave up on herself.
So here is my final message for this blog: No one should resort to cutting. It is a waste of time and later in life or shortly after the fog lifts it will be the greatest regret of all. You should also know that it can kill you. I would know because when i seeked help, they told me I had a blood Infection from my cuts and that the blood infection if not caught in time could kill me. Luckly I seeked help at the right time, cause I would have never forgave my self if I took my own life because reality was such a bummer! So just take the time to analyze, to talk to someone, to realize the wonderful person in the fog. because I can promise you IT DOES GET BETTER, with a change in heart it will get better!
Love,
Kyra
Ps. Maybe I will help that girl again, maybe she just needs someone to be there when she cries!
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care to much. And our scars remind us that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel.
I see my scars every day. I t kills me knowing I did that to myself, and it didn't even help.I see them and I know that what i did was real and not only did I hurt my self but others around me. I disappointed people who truly care about me. I thought this would help, thought it would be some sort of relief. But the truth is cutting did help me, it helped me tear through the film and pull me back into my life. Then it hurt, it hurt like hell. Then I felt worse ashamed. All I know now is if I can stop one person from making the dangerous choice that I made maybe it would help me heal. But I have tried this before. Helping this person just turned and back fired. I tried to get this girl help, tried to be her friend and her shoulder to cry on. But I guess you can only help the people who want to be saved.And I guess this girl did not want to be saved or helped. She went back to her old ways after about a month of being safe. Then her habits started coming back. Skipping class, having sex, drugs, alcohol, cutting. And I knew that i should help her again, but she was pulling away and not speaking... and this might make me a bad person but I gave up on her, when she gave up on herself.
So here is my final message for this blog: No one should resort to cutting. It is a waste of time and later in life or shortly after the fog lifts it will be the greatest regret of all. You should also know that it can kill you. I would know because when i seeked help, they told me I had a blood Infection from my cuts and that the blood infection if not caught in time could kill me. Luckly I seeked help at the right time, cause I would have never forgave my self if I took my own life because reality was such a bummer! So just take the time to analyze, to talk to someone, to realize the wonderful person in the fog. because I can promise you IT DOES GET BETTER, with a change in heart it will get better!
Love,
Kyra
Ps. Maybe I will help that girl again, maybe she just needs someone to be there when she cries!
Untitled
Dear Wicked Me,
I open my eyes i try to see but I'm blinded by the white light. I can't remember how, I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight. But I can't stand the pain. And I can't make it go away, No i can't stand the pain. How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. I got nowhere to run. the night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life i just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?
I don't remember when i got so depressed, I honestly don't know how I got this way, how I got depressed. Maybe it was when he left, not like I wasn't use to it. Or maybe when she started to work so much, I never saw her. Or was it all just my fault? I wonder where I am in my recovery, if i can even call this a recovery. I don't know who's fault it is, if it is any one persons fault. And I do know one thing... I have no idea how I am going to get better.But for now all i can hope is that I never plant that stupid fake ass, oh I am okay smile on my face again. I can only hope to express myself and show my true colors. Also on my journey I hope I can learn to trust people again, and let go of the disappointment i have against others. But my biggest hope the one I want to come true the most I wish for a better tomorrow, and if to I am going to live like it is my last day on this earth. I will dance as if no one is watching, and cherish each moment because each day I am given, should be treasured. This is what I will look forward to until I can finally say... I am Free, I am Healed, and I am Finally Okay!! and i know that each and everyday will be a challenge and I hope I have the courage to take on these challenges each and everyday until my wish comes true!
Love,
Kyra Wingstad
I open my eyes i try to see but I'm blinded by the white light. I can't remember how, I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight. But I can't stand the pain. And I can't make it go away, No i can't stand the pain. How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. I got nowhere to run. the night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life i just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?
I don't remember when i got so depressed, I honestly don't know how I got this way, how I got depressed. Maybe it was when he left, not like I wasn't use to it. Or maybe when she started to work so much, I never saw her. Or was it all just my fault? I wonder where I am in my recovery, if i can even call this a recovery. I don't know who's fault it is, if it is any one persons fault. And I do know one thing... I have no idea how I am going to get better.But for now all i can hope is that I never plant that stupid fake ass, oh I am okay smile on my face again. I can only hope to express myself and show my true colors. Also on my journey I hope I can learn to trust people again, and let go of the disappointment i have against others. But my biggest hope the one I want to come true the most I wish for a better tomorrow, and if to I am going to live like it is my last day on this earth. I will dance as if no one is watching, and cherish each moment because each day I am given, should be treasured. This is what I will look forward to until I can finally say... I am Free, I am Healed, and I am Finally Okay!! and i know that each and everyday will be a challenge and I hope I have the courage to take on these challenges each and everyday until my wish comes true!
Love,
Kyra Wingstad
Starting Point
This is my very first blog! I dont know if anyone will ever see this, and i dont really care if anyone does! My name is Kyra Wingstad. I was born on the wonderful day of October 28. I live with my mother, my father was never really around but you will see that in my blog. I talk about him alot, and my baby sister, is kid not my mothers! I have always been an only child well until now. I am a dancer and a writer. Someday i hope to save someone like myself, someone who needs someone there just to say its okay to cry, but I mostly want any of my readers if i have readers is that, this was my journey to recovery. although I am still recovering this is my story, my life. If you relate great, but please dont judge. Dont say I did what i did for attention, or I am selfish... because I'm not. I just thought that this was my only way, I never wanted to hurt anyone...I still have problems with my scars and my fears. So please dont judge.
So here is how this blog is going to go.... most of the time I will start my blog off with a song sometimes it will be short and sweet, then sometimes it will be about my day or my life. And on the occasions that i forget to post for a while I appologize. I am in High school sometimes it get crazy busy.
But if i can say one last thing this is like my diary and it is personal. I am doing this to hopefully inspire someone, to give advice and to hopefully help myself get through this crazy thing called life!
Love,
Kyra!
So here is how this blog is going to go.... most of the time I will start my blog off with a song sometimes it will be short and sweet, then sometimes it will be about my day or my life. And on the occasions that i forget to post for a while I appologize. I am in High school sometimes it get crazy busy.
But if i can say one last thing this is like my diary and it is personal. I am doing this to hopefully inspire someone, to give advice and to hopefully help myself get through this crazy thing called life!
Love,
Kyra!
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